Travelling with Neurodivergent Children as a Neurodivergent Parent
Holidays are fun, right? It is so lovely to have a break away from daily routines and relax. Take in some sights, culture, art and sunshine away from work and home. Well, let me tell you, it can be and sometimes it isn’t. Being autistic and ADHD plus having children that are also autistic and ADHD is a chaotic recipe of different needs, strengths and challenges. If you are in a neurodivergent household, like me, or work in the neurodiversity sphere, you know as well as I do, how important routines, familiarity and safe spaces are for wellbeing, anxiety and emotional regulation. I don’t profess to have it all figured out, but I would like to share what has helped us when we travel.
Research & Preparation
I would like to claim that I’m super organised, the autistic side of me however is in a constant battle with my procrastinating, immediate-reward-seeking ADHD side. I love to plan, research and cherry pick. The joy I get from umpteen browser tabs with varying hotels, campsites, flights, reviews and of course google maps is far greater than many would think possible. Oftentimes I can get so deep in a rabbit hole of holiday research I end up not being able to book it at all. Then the dopamine starts to wane and I must step away and come back to it at another time. Once I am on a roll though, I will collate the choices in a well laid out document and present my findings to my husband. This will include dates (and how varying them will affect the price), location, quality of accommodation, duration of stay and so on. I get excited going to new places, especially if I think I’ve uncovered a hidden gem. My ten year old would be happy to return to the exact same places every single time. We have managed to balance this by returning to her favourite campsite in between going to new ones and on the years we are fortunate to be able to go abroad we will shoehorn in a camping trip at a familiar site too.
The beauty of my deep dive research is that I can fully prepare her for a holiday in a new location. Show her videos and photos, not just of the country or campsite but of the accommodation, facilities and local area attractions. In an ideal world we would travel off peak to avoid the more people-heavy times. However, my husband is a teacher so it’s not really possible. We have found a small way around that for trips abroad. One was to Malta in April and a couple of years before that to Santa Eulalia in Ibiza in October. Both lovely and warm in spring and autumn and because it isn’t during peak season it’s not too hot and not too busy. That ticks the temperature dysregulation and tourist overwhelm boxes for all of us. It is also so nice to be able to stroll historic sites and marvel at the ‘silent city’ Mdina without being packed like sardines and having a meltdown both mentally and physically from the heat.
Packing
Personally I find packing stressful. I struggle with temperature regulation at the best of times so going somewhere with a different climate can make it really anxious for me. It is getting better the more I have learnt about myself, my autism and ADHD, the more efficient I am getting. I realise I don’t need half the things I used to take. Stick with easily layered outfits. Comfortable shoes, a pair that slips on for going from room to pool and beach and some comfortable trainers for site seeing and travelling. A bumbag is brilliant for carrying passport, cash, loop earplugs and phone.
My daughter would pack our entire house if she could because of that safety need for familiarity. We can’t pack too early because she needs most of her things daily but also time constraints during a transition can tip her over the edge. I’ve found it really useful to get her to write a list on the ipad. I pack her clothes the day before and then the morning we leave we can pack her comfort essentials. Gradually I’m getting this list down to a fine art with her.
Device (ipad)
Headphones
Earplugs
Eye mask
Something to cuddle (teddy or 3 knowing her!)
Something to fidget
Something to read
Something to play
That’s for the ‘emotional support backpack’. She will also add extras to the suitcase. Toys, games, teddies, and the framed family photo she takes whenever we go away.
Travelling by plane
So what about the actual travel part of travelling? Weirdly I find it so much easier to advocate for my daughters than I do for myself in these situations. This may be in part due to my own internalised ableism that is common for those of us late-diagnosed. In the planning and booking stages I am on it. I’ll pre-book special assistance at the airport. With some airlines they will automatically seat you together without an additional charge. Sunflower lanyards are an absolute gamechanger. If possible, we fly from a smaller airport like Bristol. Bristol is amazing for the hidden disability scheme. Frustratingly sometimes holidays are vastly more expensive that way and we had to fly from Gatwick to go to Malta. To reduce the mayhem, we booked valet car parking as the bus rides from parking further out cause both myself and my daughters a lot of distress. It’s all about reducing the overwhelm wherever you can.
For my youngest we got the sunflower lanyard with a card attached. Make sure you have your mobile phone numbers including the international dialling code on them. Our ten year old can be a ‘runner’ in high stress situations, even she feels safer out and about knowing she has her lanyard on. Check-in online before going to the airport. With the lanyards you can go to specific security and passport check queues to avoid the long stressful lines. At Bristol airport we have had staff open a whole new, empty check in for us without even asking (Did I mention how awesome Bristol airport is?!).
Make sure each of you has a carry-on bag of essentials to support you. Noise cancelling headphones, downloaded programmes for devices, kindles, fidgets, cuddly toy etc. When the cabin light for seatbelts is off, I always allow our ten year old movement. She can get up from her seat for a leg stretch up and down the aisle. After landing and waiting for luggage her ADHD body is craving vestibular movement. As long as there is space (and there usually is) I have no qualms in letting her launch into a series of cartwheels and spins to get it out of her system. She needs it and expecting her to stand still to wait for suitcases is to her detriment and ours because it will build up to a meltdown if it’s not released. Learning these accommodations has been so freeing. She’s a really cool, kind and funny kid. She’s polite and chatty when she feels safe so meeting these needs helps her shine. I don’t worry about what anyone else might be thinking of my cartwheeling child, it isn’t doing any harm.
Accommodation
Travelling slightly off-season also allows us wiggle-room with budget to enable us to upgrade the accommodation. We’ve found that having separate rooms in an apartment style within the hotel/resort works so much better for all of us. Having a room to be able to retreat to when you need a quiet safe space to regulate is pretty much a non-negotiable. With this accommodation style we also have a kitchen space for those much-needed quiet meals of safe foods between busier days out. It’s a balancing act, so anything you can do to segue between fun excursions and crucial rest and social battery resets will improve the overall holiday experience.
My last few trips abroad, I’ve learnt that where possible, booking with breakfast included massively helps me. Executive function is something I struggle with the most. Being able to have a decent breakfast that suits all of us and our varying tastes, that I don’t have to buy or prepare is a revelation. Our older daughter isn’t much of a morning person and we don’t hold her to the expectation of us all going to breakfast together, wherever possible we allow each of us to work to our body clocks and needs without unnecessary demands. That could mean myself or my husband doing an earlier breakfast shift with the ten year old then someone going with the nineteen year old a bit later. She is also autistic so wouldn’t want to go completely alone. Headphones and an ipad are perfectly acceptable at the breakfast table, it can get noisy in there.
The Holiday
Depending on what time you arrive locally, just sack off day one as a rest and recharge day from travelling. Low expectation day. The first thing my youngest has to do wherever we stay, hotel or camping, is set up her room. That’s unpacking her things and claiming her safe space. Teddies given places, toys lined up just right. Photo frame beside her bed and clothes in the drawers. This is part of her ritual and time needs to be made for it. Then we go for a wander about the hotel and maybe even the immediate local area, to get a lay of the land. We even did this at night in Malta, it was actually really nice taking a walk in the dark with the streetlights and calm. Find a shop and stock up on things for the room, instant noodles (always), drinks and snacks.
We will have already researched most of what we would like to do before arriving but it’s important to discuss each morning everyone’s energy levels and what they feel up to that day. If we are taking a trip out for the day, we plan a quiet evening and probably a simple pool day after with low demands and expectations to recoup.
Eating out can be hit and miss, I won’t insist my daughters eat what they ordered if it comes out differently to what they were expecting. Where possible I research ahead of the meal to ensure it is right for them.
Be prepared to abandon things last minute or part way through if it’s gotten too much without taking it personally or blaming anyone. Make sure you schedule something just for you too. I sometimes forget that last tip and sometimes I forget my own sensory needs until I’m already overwhelmed. This once resulted in my own full meltdown at the hippy market in Ibiza.
Final note
Slow down, it’s a holiday, it’s meant to be enjoyed. That means doing what you need to do for you and your family. Not trying to replicate what you think a holiday should be or look like. Bad days can happen anywhere, try not to dwell on them too much. We are neurodivergent, there’s usually a valid reason for things going a little sideways. Check-in with yourself and reflect to improve the next day:
Was it too many transitions in one day?
Did we meet everyone’s sensory needs?
Did we provide enough information beforehand?
Did we eat and drink enough?
Were we all just a bit tired?
Shall we have a rest day?
Mindfulness and meditation are great tools to reset. Whether that’s an actual guided one from an app or even just some simple colouring in, it can work wonders.
What are your holiday tips?
